


To Hell And Back

by AnnieVH



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Anti OUAT, F/M, Gen, Humor, Rumbelle - Freeform, belle has a breakdown, plor holes everywhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-05-15 12:16:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5785021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieVH/pseuds/AnnieVH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Belle goes to hell to point out just how much of an idiot her husband is – as well as the rest of the family.<br/>This is my silly “Belle has a mental breakdown and calls everyone out on their stupidity” fic. Every Rumbeller is allowed to have one, and this is mine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Hell And Back

**Author's Note:**

> This was based on a couple of spoilers regarding Belle, Emilie's pregnancy, and upcoming characters. Nothing is set on stone, but you might want to proceed with caution.
> 
> I don't think this is particularly anti anything, but Belle points out a lot of plot holes, so, just to be safe, Anti Outlaw Queen, Anti Charmings, a little bit Anti Emma and Anti Rumple.
> 
>  **Beta:** MaddieBonanaFana

 

So much happened at the same time that Rumpelstiltskin had trouble keeping track of everything. He knew he wasn't dead. That was a good thing. And the annoying young man who had been aiming an arrow to his heart was now in the water. That wasn't so bad either. That the annoying young man was now in the water because _Belle_ pushed him there, though... that made no sense.

Oh.

And Belle was apparently heavily pregnant.

He raised a finger to her chest. “How did you...?” And then it fell to her stomach. “How did that...?”

Belle grabbed his hand before his brain was fully capable of finishing sentences. She said, “Later!” and pulled him along as she started to run away from the docks and from Gaston. His tiny, heavily pregnant wife, running in her usual high heels. At an impressive speed, if he might add. That couldn't be safe. Couldn't be good for the baby, either.

Rumpelstiltskin felt light-headed. He had to sit down. Or faint. Faint was a good option.

But at the slightest sign that his pace was slowing down, Belle gave him a vigorous pull.

“ _Don't make me drag you_!”

Yes, he shouldn't make Belle drag his useless body around the Underworld in high heels.

Because she was pregnant.

And very, very tiny.

But right now, it was the pregnant thing that worried him the most.

It wasn't until the library doors were closed and they were moderately safe – Rumpelstiltskin wouldn't call that an ingenious hideout, but he wasn't feeling picky at the moment – that he finally allowed himself the panic attack one can only have when one's wife shows up in the Underworld without a warning while one's wife is supposed to be back home, sound, safe, and not pregnant at all.

“What the...” he started, too breathless to actually struggle to the end. “I mean... what the... why are you... how...?” He pointed. That would have to be enough. Belle. Belle's head. Belle's belly. Belle's head. Belle's belly. Belle. Heels. Belle's Belly. Belle. Heels. “Running... Not safe...”

She frowned at him, clearly confused by the message he was trying to convey.

“Maybe you should sit down,” she suggested, “before we have this conversation.”

“Why is he breathless anyway?”

Rumple looked around. Emma Swan. And her annoying parents. And Regina. And Regina's new pet, What's-His-Name. And Henry. Good. At least one reasonable person in the room.

He turned back to Belle.

“Belle... what the... why they... how did you...”

Henry said, “I'll go fetch him a chair.”

“Do you have to?” Regina said with a smile. “This is quite amusing.”

Henry paid her no attention and soon Rumpelstiltskin could drop on what, in another life, was Belle's chair. The one she sat in all day, behind her desk, to manage the library. In the Underworld, it was as forsaken as everything else.

“Why is he breathless?” Emma insisted. He knew she'd be the first to notice. “He's the Dark One again, he is not supposed to be tired just from a little running.”

“Little running?” Rumpelstiltskin repeated, feeling the impulse to get up and start a fight, if only his legs hadn't turned to jelly from all the unwanted exercise. “Little running...? Docks... far! Belle... _here_!”

“Rumple, maybe we should get you some water,” his wife suggested.

“ _Here_!” he all but shouted. “She is _here_! _How_?”

And then it dawned on him. There was only one explanation, but it was too terrible to mention.

“Rumple, no!” Belle said, quickly, as she saw his eyes fill with tears. “I'm not dead. I came the same way you did.”

“How can that even be possible?” Regina asked.

Belle turned angry eyes in her direction. “Right now, I blame you.”

“Me! How could I possibly-”

“Lets just say the next time you want to banish your wicked sister, choose a place she hadn't already conquered. Then, she won't come back looking for revenge with an army of Munchkins.”

“I told you that wasn't a good idea,” Mary Margaret muttered under her breath.

Regina glared at her, but held her tongue.

“She banished you down here?” Rumple asked, horrified.

“ _Banished_ me?” she repeated, offended by the mere suggestion. “I came here to find you, you idiots! Do you have any idea how long you've been gone?”

Emma tilted her head to the side, watching her inflated belly. “My guess would be somewhere around six to seven months.” To Rumple, she said, “Congratulations,” though the word was filled with sarcasm.

“Right,” Rumpelstiltskin said, his breathing finally returning to normal. He pointed at her again. “And-and so you are... really... you know.”

Belle blinked at him, her patience quickly running out. “No. I let myself go because my husband left six and a half months ago and couldn't be bothered to send a pigeon.”

Behind him, David hissed, but not without a hint of amusement.

“To be fair,” Henry said, “it's kinda hard to find a bird around these parts.”

“You should be seated,” Rumple said, getting up and offering Belle the chair. “Here. You shouldn't stand. In your condition, I mean. And in high heels.”

Belle didn't take the chair, deciding instead to glare at her husband.

“You lied to me,” she said.

“I did not lie,” Rumple argued, looking everywhere, except into her eyes. “I just... didn't have the time to bring you up to speed with the most... recent developments.”

“Funny, you thought there was enough time _to do this_!” she indicated her own belly.

“Ew, grandpa,” Henry muttered, behind the rather large group of people who had been granted a front row seat to what could be the end of his marriage.

“Could we maybe have this conversation somewhere more private?” Rumple asked.

Belle ignored him. “I just had _one_ condition. _One_!”

“I know...”

“I gave you my blessing to come down to the underworld, in this frankly idiotic, poorly plotted plan of yours, if you told them the truth.”

“But they know about the dagger!”

Emma frowned. “Wait, what?”

“And my plan was very carefully plotted,” Rumple continued, ignoring her. “What do you take me for? The Charmings?”

“Hey!” David tried, but no one paid attention to him.

Belle scoffed. “You can't plot carefully after half a bottle of whiskey.”

“One third!”

“Not only do I have to wait for six and half months in the dark,” Belle ranted on, “while balancing the pawnshop, the library, an unplanned pregnancy, and a surprise Munchkin war-”

Rumple nodded, “Alright, I can see why that might have been stressful, but-”

“ _When I finally get fed up and come to the Underworld to see if the father of my unborn child is still alive_ ,” she shouted, so that he wouldn't have the chance to interrupt, “I discover that he didn't tell his plan to the rest of the family, went off on his own, and has not been seen since they arrived because he's a thick-headed-”

“Wait a goddamn second!” Emma said, demanding attention and managing to get Belle to be quiet and turn to face her. “You know about the dagger? _You_? And you're not even a little bit mad that he has the power of all Dark Ones who ever lived? Killian died in vain, and you're fine with it?”

“Emma,” Belle said, very coldly, “don't think that I don't sympathize with your grief, or even your little mission-”

“Little mission-!”

“But if you interrupt me again, I will go over there and make you eat that tacky leather jacket you're so fond of.”

The silence in the library was stunned. The thief even took a step back. He knew by experience that Belle was not afraid of the Dark One, taking on the Savior would probably be no challenge for her, especially if she was hormonal and frustrated.

Rumpelstiltskin dared a little smirk. If Belle wasn't paying attention to him, that was a good thing.

“Miss Swan didn't want you to know of my dagger, my dear,” he said, “because she wanted to use you to blackmail me.”

“Wha- I did tell her!” Emma said, urgent. She wasn't planning on fighting a pregnant woman tonight. “As soon as we found her in the Underworld!”

“You mean, as soon as the lie had no more use to you?” Rumple fired back.

“That's not true.”

Belle put their discussion to an end by groaning loudly and rubbing her temples, as if fighting a terrible headache. “This is Neverland all over again. The five idiots cross realms in a suicidal rescue mission. You come along, but split the moment you get there because you assume you're the smartest in the room.”

“I _am_ the smar-”

“No! What you _are_ is in too deep. Especially now. I assume you spent this entire time fighting off old enemies because you're on your own and have no one to watch your back, yes?”

He blinked. “Not the entire-”

“And you!” Belle said, turning to Regina. “Chasing down old murder victims with heartfelt apologies so you can feel better about yourself? You haven't even apologized for taken my heart!”

“I was going to do that when we got-” Regina tried, to her credit sounding a lot less confrontational than Belle had expected, but it didn't matter.

“And then there's you!” she said, pointing an accusatory finger to Emma. In contrast, the Savior looked a lot more confrontational than Belle had expected. It still didn't matter. “Let me guess, collecting souls you deem worthy of bringing back? How many have you got, so far?”

“Twenty three,” Henry answered, sounding as fed up as Belle at this point.

She looked at him. “Handling all this crap?”

“Don't I always?”

“Belle, we understand that you are angry-” Mary Margaret said.

“Why are the three of you even here?” Belle asked, pointing at her, David and Robin. “Don't you have small children?”

“We're family!” the other woman answered, baffled that she would even ask that.

Belle addressed the entire room. “Did anybody in this room make _any_ progress since you got here?”

Silence.

“Figures.”

“I made _some_ progress,” Rumpelstiltskin answered, though his heart wasn't in it.

“Imagine how much better that could have gone if you could get over your trust issues?” Belle argued.

“My trust issues are not unfounded,” he said, defensive, and pointed at Emma. “She was clearly planning on trading my soul for the pirate's.”

When Emma didn't immediately defend herself against the accusation, Belle looked at her.

Emma said, “I'm not planning on trading your soul for Killian's.”

“Right. You're planning on splitting your heart in two. That's a great-”

“I'm planning on trading your soul for Neal's,” she corrected, rendering him and Belle mute.

“And, to be fair, it was more of a collective decision,” Regina added.

To his surprise, Belle said, “Makes perfect sense. Menacing Dark One, threatening everybody with his unlimited power and evident betrayal. You leave him in the Underworld and Neal gets to live. Everybody comes back to Storybrooke, and I won't be too heartbroken because then you'd tell me my husband reverted back to his old ways.”

“Ouch,” Rumple said. There was no need to be so blunt.

“Of course,” Belle proceeded, “if that had happened, I'd have told you that I _knew_ my husband had taken the power of the Dark Ones back from the very start, because he told me. And I'd also have told you that his decision had nothing to do with his addiction to power, _for once_ , but that he was planning on coming to the Underworld himself to look for Neal and trade the souls of the Dark Ones for his.”

No one dared say anything, though Rumpelstiltskin did give the Charmings a smug look.

“Of course, in that scenario, you'd feel guilty for doing something terrible, Neal would hate you lot, and Rumple would still be trapped down here, which would force me to come here and trade lord knows what for his soul.”

Rumple chuckled.

It died in his throat when Belle glared at him. “And what are you smiling at? This is partially your fault!”

“My fault?! How's is that my fault?!”

“All you had to do was explain to Emma your plan from the beginning, but you just couldn't resist being the smartest in the room, could you? You have thirty seven Dark Ones in that dagger! With that, you can trade with Hades for Neal, and Killian, and probably a good chunk of Emma's stray souls, if you had only _worked together from the start_! Instead, she's making promises she cannot keep, Regina is probably pissing people off on a daily basis, and you just lost your leverage to Gaston and won't survive one day on your own!”

“I beg your pardon! I can get my powers back from that mindless brute. I just have to... figure out how.”

“Gaston stole your powers?” Henry asked, sounding more disappointed now than when he had learned of his grandfather's lies. Not that he could blame him. That fact that he had been bested by Belle's moronic ex-fiance, a man widely known for his lack of wit, was a blow to his own ego.

“He doesn't have my powers, if that is what worries you. He just... channeled them to the dagger and stole it from me.”

“So you're powerless now?” Regina asked.

“Yes, _he's_ powerless in a land full of people who want him dead, _you_ haven't gotten anywhere on your own, and now Gaston has a powerful magical object he has no idea what to do with,” Belle explained. “Hades will get to him, nobody will get the chance to trade souls, Neal will stay here forever, and Emma's only choice to save Killian will be to pull that heart stunt that will likely result in her death. Do – you – _idiots_ – see – my – point?”

Rumple looked around the room to check if everybody felt as ashamed as he did. Judging by the way the others were lowering their heads and avoiding eye contact with each other, it seemed like they were.

“Fine,” he was the first to admit, a tentative hand reaching for Belle's shoulder. “You're right, sweetheart-”

“ _DamnrightI'mright_!” she snapped, shrugging him off and looking ready to slap him.

Rumpelstiltskin stepped back, raising his hands. “Yes, okay, I should have listened to you.”

“And I should have told you about the dagger,” Emma said. “Instead of using you to blackmail him.”

“And I should have known that trusting the Charmings wouldn't get me anywhere,” Regina nodded.

“We are right here in the room,” David said, and his wife followed with a “Yeah!” They were summarily ignored, once again.

“I mean, we haven't even been able to track Killian, or Neal,” Regina said.

“They're with Milah,” Rumple said, making all heads snap in his direction. He shrugged. “She erased their memories and has been keeping them as her perfect family. She went as far as to revert Bae back to a teenager.”

“I take it you weren't going to tell us about that,” Emma said, sounding less annoyed than she would have five minutes ago.

“Like I said, I thought you couldn't be trusted. But now that we all agree we have a common goal, dearie, I see no harm in a partnership. Yes?”

Emma looked back at the rest of the family, collecting head nods in a silent voting. Then, she turned back to him and said, “A partnership it is.”

Rumple looked at Belle. “See, honey? Everybody is getting along again. And it's thanks to you.”

Belle blinked several times, taking in the looks of gratitude and embarrassment on the faces of the other people in the room. To everyone's surprise, she covered her eyes with her hands and started crying.

“Uhnnn...” Rumple said, unsure of how to proceed.

“This has been so hard!” his wife sobbed, her little voice rising to a shriek. “They made me Mayor of that hellhole and I know nothing of town administration!”

“They did _what_?” Regina snapped, but Emma held her back before she could challenge Belle to a duel to defend her Mayorship.

“And there is always a crisis! There is always a dragon, or a war, or Doc's Miata, and the books are getting dusty because I am never at the library anymore! Why did you think sending Zelena to Oz was a good idea?”

“I don't have to justify every decision I make to you!”

“Regina,” Rumple said, asking her to be quiet with one look.

“It was a moronic idea, that's what it was! She took over Oz once, and it wasn't even that hard! Have you ever fought a Munchkin? I bet they took over the town by now! Zelena's probably reinstating the parking meters as we speak! _I am pregnant and I am having twins and I am fat and tired and I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO COME TO HELL TO DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS_!”

With that, she threw herself on Rumpelstiltskin's shoulder, demanding a hug.

He hesitated, waiting for Belle to start punching him, or maybe pull out a dagger from under her coat and stab him in a fit of rage. Taking advantage of his reinstated relationship with Emma and Mary Margaret, he threw a glance at the two other women who had gone through a pregnancy, silently asking them what he should do.

“Just let her cry,” Emma said.

“Yes,” her mother agreed. “She's been through a lot.”

Carefully, he wrapped his arms around his wife, finding the task a little harder now that she was carrying his child. Or children.

“Just to be clear,” he said, over the sound of her sobbing. “I might faint at any moment, so one of you should get ready to do the comforting.”

 

 


End file.
